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When we arrived at our current church, a little over four years ago, our two children (then aged 4 and 2) were the only regular kids attending.
Some weeks it was just the two of them – and other weeks, they had one or two friends join them – but, with such small numbers, they always had the run of the church.
And, when I say ‘run’, I mean ‘RUN’. My husband and I were frequently both involved in any given service, and our kids hadn’t yet got to know the other adults well enough to sit happily on their laps – so we let them run.
As our church started to grow, we realised that we’d inadvertently set a precedent. New families coming into the church only had our model to follow.
It’s not that it was a bad model necessarily, it’s just that we’d done what we needed to, given the circumstances, and it hadn’t really been thought-through – theologically or practically.
So now that we have four kiddoes (8, 6, 3 and 3), and our wonderful church welcomes nearly 30 children each week, the issue of what we should expect from kids during services is regularly on my mind.
On the one hand – I love that our church is so welcoming and non-judgemental, and wish all churches were like that. (I’m aware many are, which is brilliant!) On the other – I wonder when kids should start engaging with the service, and how that’s supposed to happen when we haven’t developed that culture with them.
>>Parenthood and Church: Is it worth it when it’s so hard?
May I answer a question with a question? (I’m not going to wait for your answer. Jesus answered questions with questions, so I reckon I’m fine.)
In response to the issue of whether children should be let loose in church, I’d like to ask, What would they be doing if they weren’t running around?
And here are some possible answers to that question:
They might be screaming, tantrumming, or banging the pews/chairs. (An aside: for all their frustrating inflexibility, pews are SO much more satisfying to bang, right? A much more resonant sound. Thank you. As you were.)
Mainly, this applies to toddlers. Let’s be fair: when do we ever expect a 2 year old to sit still and quietly for more than a couple of minutes in any context apart from church? (Mealtimes don’t count – you can’t strap a child into a highchair in church, and you can’t feed them for the entire service either, not unless you want to raise a child reminiscent of the Michelin man.)
This might also apply to older children with additional needs. These beautiful human-beings, who God created and loves and wants us to welcome graciously, may not yet have the emotional understanding or ability to meet the kind of expectations we might put upon other children. Are we to place impossible, stressful demands upon them and their parents?
Quite honestly, if it’s a toss-up between a child roaming freely around church, or having a screaming fit because they’re feeling restrained in a pew – I’m with the first option.
But here’s another answer: if the children weren’t running around, they might be actually engaging in worship.
I’m speaking now of school-aged children primarily – children who do regularly sit still in class at school, and in assemblies. By allowing them to run amok, are we denying them of the opportunity to absorb Scripture through learning hymns and songs, taking part in the confession, and hearing Bible passages read to them?
John Piper gave a thought-provoking interview a couple of years ago on “Should children sit through ‘big church’?” I don’t agree with everything he says, but I do love his emphasis on our role as parents when it comes to modelling church for our children:
“The greatest stumbling block for children in worship is parents who don’t cherish [it]…They don’t love it. Children can feel the difference between duty and delight. So, the first and most important job of a parent is to fall in love with the worship of God…You can’t impart what you don’t possess. And this is what you want your children to catch. You want them to catch authentic worship…The cumulative effect of 650 worship services spent with mom and dad in authentic communion with God and his people between the ages of 4 and 17 is utterly incalculable.”
If we don’t allow our children to authentically engage in worship – first by observing us, then by taking part themselves, then by believing, questioning and really owning it themselves – what are we hoping for their futures? That they won’t know how to cope with services which aren’t specifically tailored to their age group? That they will never own their faith for themselves?
It doesn’t sound very optimistic!
I do think our services need to be free and relaxed enough to accommodate children in all stages of life, with all sorts of different needs, on all sorts of days, in all sorts of moods. But I also think that us parents have a responsibility to develop a healthy model of communal worship with our own offspring.
A final answer: if children aren’t running around in church, they’ll be running around at home, at the park or on a football pitch.
None of these options are bad – in fact, they’re all lovely ways to spend time. But ultimately it’s a joy to have children in our churches! Do we really want to lose them to other activities because parents have felt judged or frowned upon when they’ve come through our doors?
>>Is church just another one of your family’s extra-curricular activities?
Regardless of our own feelings, if our words and actions make parents feel uncomfortable and unwelcome when they show up, then they simply won’t return.
Sometimes, we’ll just need to bite our tongue or smile when we don’t feel like it – but if these small actions help people to know God’s welcome, God’s love of children, and God’s huge desire to see them come to know Him, they’ll be worth every piece of our energy.
Having visited your church it was very interesting to read the nuances behind what is seen there! It’s something I’ve thought about a lot with F, who during our 6 years attending church has grown from rampaging toddler to play-in-the-pew, busy-with-hands 8 year old (but will still indulge in a rampage now and then!). Our church has always provided ‘busy bags’ which I think was part of causing him to spend more time in the pew. Our children’s worker once commented on the rampaging by reflecting that ‘we all worship in different ways’, which I thought was lovely! She also felt as you do that a certain level of stillness is necessary to take part in the communal worship authentically, and among other things she then set up a toy area at the front amongst the rampagers to support them to settle down.
I think another way some children might miss out on the communal worship is the opposite extreme – due to being transfixed by toys! I feel that your emphasis on modelling an authentic style of worship as parents is super helpful here. We might even feel youthful again as we join in kids’ action songs and get stuck into family prayer activities involving play doh, regardless of whether our kids are interested or not!
Interestingly, I was once talking to our Production Manager about the Projection rota and she observed that Projection is just a ‘very different way of worshipping’ (you’re sitting down at a computer in a corner of the building, for the uninitiated!) I’ve since been reflecting that Projection could be ideal for the toy-transfixed personalities in our midst when they grow into teens, or at least old enough to know how to use the equipment! (Probably not far off at 8!!)
When my daughter, now 41, was a toddler we had the problem, in a church not then used to children, that since father was the vicar and mum the organist, little Jo would sometimes escape mum’s clutches (playing with 2 feet and one hand, with toddler under the other arm) and wander off, either to the altar, ‘daddy, daddy’ or, a favourite activity, up into the pulpit, which she couldb’t see over, and bang the little door open and shut. However, this all helped to loosen up the congregation, and soon one of the few younger women got pregnant, and so we were off! So not a new problem
Angela
Hi. We have some lively children in our church and we try to engage the under 4’s by providing them with a worship bag. It contains an activity for
each part of the service and a make and take activity for during the sermon The idea is that the parent/ carer guides the child through the service helping them access each part, giving them opportunity to encounter Jesus in their own way and context. Most often though the children just dig in as they are excited to get their bag. The Oder children go out to their own activities after the fist half of worship.
Wow that sounds amazing! But quite time consuming to produce each week?
I’m trying out a couple of churches since I moved to town, and get irritated and distracted when the little kids are allowed to run around. Makes it hard to hear what’s being said! I look at the other congregants, and some look at the kids and smile, others’ faces likely mirror my own – with some annoyance showing. People are up front, talking, giving a sermon, maybe making church and community announcements, don’t you think people want to hear that stuff – instead of being distracted with your kid(s) running around?!!!
I honestly think it’s OK to say you want to go to a quiet church, and to look for a church with no kids if that’s really what you want. But in terms of what’s being said up the front:
* kids are usually out for the sermon and main worship time (they are in our church, at least) so no problems there
* most church sound systems are more than adequate to cover the background noise provided by kids (and, occasionally, drunken adults or whoever walks in off the street who might be loud!)
* important notices are usually displayed on the screen to read if they can’t be heard, and have probably already been emailed and put on the church’s social media during the week
The question for me: who is the ‘least’ in this situation? The grown-up who is able to make sensible decisions about their own faith journey – or the child who is still learning? As an adult, I happily make allowance for anyone who is less mature in their faith journey. So what if I don’t ‘get’ anything from a Sunday service? I have my personal devotional times, my weekly Bible study group, my interactions with Christian friends through the week, and so on. I read Christian books, listen to podcasts and have a plethora of discipleship opportunities open to me. The onus is on me. If I am coming to church purely for the input, then perhaps I’m at risk of ignoring all the many other ways God wants to speak to me during the week.
Having said that, however, I do think this is an unusual extreme to reach. In our church, children do run around and feel totally at home. But it’s not always chaotic, and it very rarely disturbs the service. They stay in for 10min then go out to their groups. They return for communion and the end of the service (usually around 15-20min). The church is a family – noisy, messy, imperfect – something of this would be lost, I feel, if we didn’t have children worshipping with us.
In my church even very young children don’t run around. It’s disrespectful and distracting to other people. Parents bring coloring books and small quiet toys for toddlers but older kids are expected to pay attention to the service. A church isn’t a playground. Children are welcome but the parents teach them appropriate behavior for church. Even toddlers should be taught that you don’t run around in every place they go to.
That’s great if it works for your church community. I just hope you haven’t been visited by children with additional needs, or those who have come from trauma backgrounds, or who struggle to sit and play with quiet toys for any other reason – these families may have been made to feel very unwelcome through your policy.